I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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