Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
God, I missed his penis.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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