im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
