So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Randomize
