If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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