On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
