oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
