Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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