I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
