I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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