As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
