what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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