I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
