Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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