New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
