Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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