I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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