Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
