Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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