I'm lost and stupid without you.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
