I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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