i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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