Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I did not marry a roomba.
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