when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
