i think my tv is drunk
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
