In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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