Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
