I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
