and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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