you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Randomize
