what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
