Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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