Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
