if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
