She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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