My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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