I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
