Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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