I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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