I need to stop coming to work sober
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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