I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
