i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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