found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
