I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i may or may not be watching the land before time
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
