standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
