Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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