I cannot find my penis.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
