All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
