Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
