i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
